MR. UNIVERSE Read online

  VICK. He is sweet looking isn’t he?

  KATY. He got sweet eyes, like this man I met in the bar. This salesman. Fellow with stringy blond hair and big ugly gold rings on his fingers, them kind turns your skin green. That man wasn’t sweet though. He sold Christmas ornaments, can you believe that? I told him I thought that was a kid’s job to sell that shit. He have a kid’s face too, come up putting his hand on me, I don’t care if he did sell Christmas ornaments.

  VICK. What did he do?

  KATY. Reach all up in my dress like he know what was there, till I about snatch his fingers off. I’m not lying. I liked to knock him down with my whiskey.

  VICK. Had you been talking to him or did he reach up your dress first thing?

  KATY. I been talking to him, but that don’t mean he can grab my thigh like it was a chicken leg. How would you like it if some fool ass grab on you when you minding your own self having a conversation? I told him he better not ever do that to me again. Don’t nobody touch Katy unless she want to be touch. That man got right sweet then. I told him he act like a kid. Just like my baby brother. When my baby brother grab my titty, I slap him. Then I feel right sorry for this man after I told him off so bad, so I ask him to show me his Christmas ornaments. But he say he didn’t have his case with him. I ask him where it was and he say in the hotel.

  VICK. Did he take you there? Girl you nasty thing, to his hotel?

  KATY. I didn’t mind, I had me a good time looking at that fool bulbs what he had. Lord I wished I had me some I could wear for Christmas earrings. He never put his hand on my leg again either.

  VICK. You mean you went with this man to his hotel room and he already tried to squeeze you in a bar but he didn’t even touch you in the room?

  KATY. That’s what I said. Maybe he touch me once but that was all. We ought to get something to eat. I want some ice cream. Something sweet.

  VICK. We have some cake. Chocolate banana. Miss Thing made it. Betty Crocker in there washing off her makeup.

  KATY. I know, I saw it. I didn’t know she could cook. I rather have a pizza.

  VICK. Pizza’s not sweet.

  KATY. I rather have a pizza but I want something sweet too. Why do you keep your cake in the refrigerator? Last time I look in there it like to knock me out.

  VICK. Shut up, don’t let this baby hear you talking about my housekeeping like that.

  KATY. I mean it. If it still smell like that in there I won’t even mess with no cake. (Heads for the kitchen.)

  VICK. Save me a piece.

  KATY (pauses). Girl did I tell you I was hired to do me a commercial? Yes ma’am just like that Brooke Shields. On TV. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, I’m not lying. (Exits to the kitchen but continues talking.) I’m going to be the Mammarismo Girl. You know what that is? The Mammarismo Exercise Bra? Lord they gave me one and I thought it would pinch me to death. Got these big springs across it. I told them I would take the job but I be damn if I wear one of them ugly bras except on the commercial. You ought to get you one, maybe it would develop you some breast.

  VICK. I don’t want no breast I can’t drop in a drawer.

  KATY. You mean you don’t want a fine set of these here like I have?

  VICK. Noo sweetheart, what would I do with them when I’m waiting tables?

  KATY. Anyway, I be standing in front of the camera and I have on this big bra and the tops of my boobs is all pooched out, and I pucker my lips and say, “Mammarismo, the Exercise Bra: The Bra with the Squeeze that Pleases.” Can you hear me? “Mammarismo, the Exercise Bra: The Bra with the Squeeze that Pleases.” And I got a scarf around my neck and the wind just blowing and blowing from this big nasty fan they got set up. I believe I’ll get me some dark glasses too. I be standing there with nothing on but these dark glasses and a big bra. You never seen anything like it. I will be more fine than fine.

  VICK. Don’t get that cake on my floor.

  KATY. You don’t hold no truck with me honey, this floor is already filthy. If you stand still too long the roaches be crawling up your legs.

  VICK. When do you do this commercial?

  KATY. What commercial? Oh yeah, I don’t know. They call sometime tomorrow or the next day. I hope my phone ain’t cut off. I make five hundred dollars in one day if you can believe it. And I get my hair done free. They gave me one of them free bras too and I’m going to fasten it to the wall and use it to hold up my bookshelf where I keep my magazines. I read Star Weekly. You ever read that? Girl, you can find out everything. I read about this woman had a monkey for a baby because she got the wrong sperm. Some kind of sperm or something. Can you believe that? She was getting artificial disseminated and had a monkey. I say it serve her right. Nobody going to stick a needle in my sweet cake, no no no. I’m not having a monkey for a baby for nobody, I don’t care how smart the monkey is. Bad enough having a baby for a baby.

  VICK. Do you have a baby?

  KATY. I got a little girl, she live with her gramama. She six. She don’t even hardly know me.

  VICK. I got a little son.

  KATY. What fool do you think you’re talking to?

  VICK. No, I really do. His name is William Zachry. He lives with his mama. He’s twelve this September.

  KATY. You really are serious.

  VICK. I was married for about three years. Yes ma’am. Back when I was a real man.

  KATY. What did you do with your wife to get that baby?

  VICK. What do you think I did with her?

  KATY. You mean you did like a man does?

  VICK. Katy sweetheart, I’m not missing any parts. It’s not all that complicated.

  KATY. But I didn’t think people like you could do that stuff with a woman.

  VICK. A monkey could do it if he set his mind to it. If he could get over how funny looking you was.

  KATY. Was your wife funny looking?

  VICK. No, she was pretty. This blond hair like you would kill for, and big thick lips and she was pink color all over, like a little lollipop. And my son, Lord you should see him, pretty as a girl and sings like one of the angels. They got him in the church choir. One time when I went to see him he sang a solo on “Near to the Heart of God,” all by himself, and the old ladies in the church were looking at him like it was the rapture. He favors his mama more than me.

  KATY. Did you like her?

  VICK. I loved her, I really did. I don’t think I was fooling myself. But I liked men too. So we got divorced after she found out.

  KATY. How did she find out?

  VICK. She caught me in bed with one of her cousins.

  KATY. Lord, I believe I would have choked you to death.

  VICK. She came at me with a knife. Her mama tried to call the police but I got out of the house. We’re friends now, I send her money and everything. She come to see me when I was doing drag at JuJu’s, she thought it was funny.

  KATY. What make you like men?

  VICK. I don’t know. I just do.

  KATY. If my men ever tell me they like men better than me I cut they little head off right there. I mean it. I could kill somebody for tricking me like that.

  VICK. Why would it be a trick? I won’t tricking anybody.

  KATY. You must be crazy. You don’t think your wife feel trick, sitting there home with that youngun and you out here spending more money on clothes than she does.

  VICK. It wasn’t like a trick, it was like I didn’t know any better.

  (JUDY calls from offstage.)

  JUDY. Come in here and help me unhook this gown.

  KATY. And you carrying on with something like that. Your little child come to see you?

  VICK. Sometimes. (To JUDY.) I’ll be there in a minute.

  KATY. You take him out to the bars with you?

  VICK. Fuck off Katy, what do you think?

  (VICK starts to exit, angry.)

  KATY. I don’t think nothing. Hey Vick. (VICK stops, hearing unaccustomed tenderness in her tone.) Hey Vick I didn’t mean nothing by it, I was just
asking questions. When my little girl grows up I’ll take her out.

  VICK. It’s not the same thing.

  KATY. I know. You got a picture of your little boy?

  VICK. Somewhere.

  KATY. Bring it back with you.

  (Exit VICK.)

  KATY. I should have known he had a little baby. You know? All this time I been knowing him and he never said nothing about it. Got a little boy twelve years old, and him running around the streets in a dress whooping and hollering and carrying on. (Laughs.) Vick on a woman, can you imagine it? Vick on a woman just humping away, and got a baby and never said nothing. (To MUSCLE MAN.) I bet he’s a good daddy to his child. I bet he feed that child and write letters to him and talk on the phone, and I bet he say happy birthday to that child and send him Santa Claus at Christmas. Vick would be a good daddy. If he didn’t have this trash living with him like he got now. Me and Vick, we friends. Yeah. I bet you don’t believe it do you? Vick, he likes me, he really do. We been friends a long time, ever since I move downstairs. He look good too, if he didn’t put on them women clothes all the time. Don’t you think he look good? Come on baby, if you can understand Vick you can understand me. Don’t you like Vick? Don’t you wish you could stay here with him? I do. I think you ought to. You could be like his little child. He never had anybody real nice like you, he only had tramps like that Judy. I’m serious. He would take real good care of you. That’s what you want, ain’t it? Don’t look at me all blank like these boys, you don’t fool me. You’re here because you want something, just like me. You a faggot too, just like I said. You like to wear dresses and strut that stuff on the street, I know. Look here . . .

  (KATY finds VICK’s wig, which has been left on stage; she puts it on the MUSCLE MAN.)

  Now you look right. You look like you are.

  (The MUSCLE MAN removes the wig.)

  Put it back. You heard me, put that back on your head. Put it on your head I told you. Are you stupid? Can’t you hear?

  (Enter JUDY.)

  JUDY. What are you fussing about in here?

  KATY. This man is stupid. He sits there like he don’t know anything, all swoll up like a ape.

  JUDY. What is he doing with my wig?

  KATY. That’s Vick’s wig.

  JUDY. Well what is he doing with it?

  KATY. He had it on his head and then he pull it off.

  JUDY. On his head? He put it there? By himself? Wonderful, maybe there’s hope. How did he look?

  KATY. Like a big Girl Scout.

  (JUDY puts the wig on the MUSCLE MAN.)

  JUDY. Oooh yes, this is the look of the future. Marilyn Monroe with biceps.

  (The MUSCLE MAN pulls off the wig again.

  Holds it up in his hand and shakes it as if he does not know what it is.)

  KATY. He can’t make up his mind.

  JUDY. Doing drag is a big step in a young man’s life, you can’t just jump right into it, you have to take it a little at a time. Lucky for him I’m here to provide counseling and guidance.

  KATY. He almost got titties already.

  JUDY. Those are not titties, dear. That is called development, pectoral definition. With me it’s a definite requirement.

  (JUDY replaces the wig on the MUSCLE MAN.

  The MUSCLE MAN throws the wig across the room.)

  JUDY. Now what did you do that for? (Gets the wig.) This is a perfectly good one hundred percent human hair wig and there is no reason to treat it worse than a dust rag.

  KATY. Maybe he don’t want it on his head.

  JUDY. But he looks so sweet in it. I know! He’s mad because he knows the wig doesn’t look right unless you’re wearing makeup.

  KATY. Girl you crazy.

  JUDY. Where’s some makeup? What you got in your purse?

  KATY. Are you serious?

  JUDY. Of course I am. We have got to do this boy up right. What do you have?

  KATY (looks in her purse). Here. Some red lipstick and some eye shadow and some blush.

  JUDY. You be like my helper now, you hold that stuff till I ask for it and then you give it to me. I’m going to have my hands full.

  KATY. You can cool believe that.

  JUDY. Now you be real calm young fellow. We’ll fix you right up, yes sir. Don’t worry about a thing. I been turning out pretty girls for years. May I have the blush, sister Katy?

  KATY. There it is, take it.

  JUDY. You’re supposed to slap it in my hand like I was a surgeon.

  KATY. Take the goddamn mess and stop clowning.

  (JUDY puts blush on the MUSCLE MAN, who sits still for it but looks suspicious.)

  JUDY. Whatever you do don’t laugh. Eye shadow.

  KATY. What?

  JUDY. Give me the eye shadow.

  (KATY gives JUDY the eye shadow.

  JUDY attempts to apply the eye shadow.

  The MUSCLE MAN draws away from JUDY’s hands.)

  JUDY. Look it won’t hurt you. See? It’s like medicine for your face.

  (JUDY applies the eyeshadow unevenly, hurriedly.

  The MUSCLE MAN sits still but is becoming angry.)

  KATY. What do you want to do this to this man for?

  JUDY. Lipstick.

  (KATY gives JUDY the lipstick.

  At the sight of the red lipstick emerging from the tube, the MUSCLE MAN backs away.

  JUDY follows him with the lipstick.)

  JUDY. Hold still now, we’re almost done.

  (JUDY manages to smear lipstick on his mouth.)

  JUDY. My God. Throw me the wig. Throw it to me, quick.

  (KATY throws JUDY the wig.

  Enter VICK, with a tray of food, as JUDY puts the wig on the MUSCLE MAN.)

  VICK. What are you doing?

  JUDY. Playing dress-up.

  VICK. Get that mess off of him.

  JUDY. But he looks so cute.

  VICK. You heard me, get that away from him and stop teasing him.

  JUDY. Well my, aren’t our maternal instincts just popping out?

  (The MUSCLE MAN is agitated but does not move, as if the wig has paralyzed him.

  VICK sets down the tray.)

  VICK. You can’t leave anything alone, can you. You always got to be messing with people. Any fool can see there’s something wrong with this man, he does not need you after him.

  JUDY. Don’t look like there’s anything wrong with him to me.

  VICK. Shut the fuck up. You are disgusting to me sometimes.

  (VICK removes the wig.

  The MUSCLE MAN begins rubbing his mouth, smearing the lipstick.)

  VICK. Calm down, calm down, I’ll wash it off.

  (The MUSCLE MAN strips and flexes his arms as if proving his manhood.

  Flexes them again.

  Flexes them one at a time, almost in a frenzy.)

  VICK. Calm down.

  (The MUSCLE MAN becomes calm.)

  JUDY. You make me sick.

  VICK. Come over here.

  (The MUSCLE MAN follows VICK to a window seat.)

  KATY. I swear this man would do whatever you told him.

  JUDY. Why don’t you sit down in his lap. Why don’t you just crawl all over him since he likes you so much.

  VICK. Did it ever occur to you he might be scared? He’s been wandering around God knows how long, got beat up, can’t talk and Lord knows what else. We don’t even know who he is.

  JUDY. I’m not interested in his identity problems, I wanted to improve his social life.

  VICK. All you know how to do is try to be funny. (To the MUSCLE MAN.) Don’t worry, I won’t let them put the wig on you anymore.

  KATY. I didn’t put any wig on anybody, you leave me out of this.

  JUDY. This girl is gone on this man, this young woman has lost her mind, Looney Tunes. She has met the man of her dreams.

  VICK. What the fuck do you know about my dreams?

  JUDY. Look at how you are behaving, you can’t keep your hands off him, you’re completely out of control.


  VICK. I have not laid a hand on this man except to put on his bandages and wash off his blood. You’re jealous because he likes me and I won’t let you play with him like he was a puppy.

  JUDY. Here is this handsome young man in our apartment who will do anything she tells him to do and suddenly she is the Mother Superior of Esplanade.

  VICK. I wish you knew how sick you sound.

  JUDY. What’s wrong with the way I sound? This is a gift from God, this doesn’t happen every day. Don’t be a prude. You can’t look a gift horse in the mouth as they say, not when it’s a horse like this.

  (JUDY goes toward the MUSCLE MAN.)

  VICK. Leave him alone.

  JUDY. You must be joking.

  VICK. If you lay a hand on him I will kick your puny ass.

  JUDY. I’m over twenty-one dear and unless I miss my guess so is he.

  VICK. I said stay the fuck away from him.

  JUDY. Get out of my way.

  VICK. I’ll break your fucking face.

  JUDY. The fuck you will.

  (They come as close to having a physical fight as possible without committing to it.

  Finally JUDY breaks up laughing.)

  JUDY. This doesn’t make any sense.

  VICK. You’ll think it’s real funny when I put your suitcases on the street.

  JUDY. Don’t start that shit.

  VICK. I’m not playing with you, I’ve had about all I can stand.

  JUDY. All you can stand? Bitch, you don’t even want to get me started.

  VICK. I mean it. You can drag your mealy ass into your bedroom and stuff every feather boa you’ve got in a shopping bag and get out. Get out. Then see how long it takes you to find somebody else to pay your bills and feed you and drag your drunk ass home from Bourbon Street.

  JUDY. I pay my rent goddamnit.

  VICK. The hell you do. Don’t act up for Katy’s benefit, I have told her all about you. Strut around here like you’re some kind of princess and strew your clothes all over hell, leave your nasty dishes for me to clean up and drag your common-ass boyfriends across my rug, and tell me what you will do and you won’t do, hell! I’ll pack your shitty dresses myself.

  JUDY. I could understand if we were fighting over which one of us is going to get him. But I don’t see why at least one of us can’t fuck him since he’s here.