MR. UNIVERSE Read online

  VICK. And you’ll pick up some trash not fit to clean toilets and have him laying up in my apartment till I throw him out.

  JUDY. You’re jealous.

  VICK. Sweetheart, when you get your own apartment you can sleep with every bum from here to Lake Charles.

  JUDY. Please don’t start at me Vick, you know I can’t afford my own place, I still got to pay Maison Blanche for my alligator pumps.

  VICK. Shut up whining about them shoes. Here comes a friend of mine.

  (Enter MUSCLE MAN, whose large muscles are obvious even through his clothes.

  He walks tentatively, as if he were lost in the city.

  He stops some distance from the drag queens.)

  JUDY. You never knew anybody like that in your life.

  VICK (obviously stricken, not camp). Did you ever … just look at that!

  JUDY. I could peel him like a grape. Do you think he’s one of us?

  VICK. He’s too butch.

  JUDY. Well sweetheart, we’re not all sissies. Though you’d never know it by the company we keep. (Laughs at his own joke.)

  VICK. Don’t cackle like a crow, he isn’t paying the least attention to you.

  JUDY. You mean he isn’t paying any attention to you.

  VICK. No he isn’t. I didn’t say he was.

  JUDY. What’s the matter honey, you falling in love?

  VICK. Stop it, don’t talk so loud.

  JUDY. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about dear, you can’t help it. It’s the Cinderella complex, it’s a common thing for us girls. When you see a man like that you can’t help dreaming he’s Mister Right.

  VICK. Shut up, I’m not dreaming anything.

  JUDY. You really are upset aren’t you?

  VICK. Let’s go.

  JUDY. No, I think I just want to stand right here for a while and check out the street life.

  VICK. Well you can stand here by yourself.

  JUDY. You wouldn’t dare leave me here by myself dressed like this.

  VICK. Don’t bet on it sweetheart.

  JUDY. You wait a minute.

  VICK. Life’s too short dear. I don’t have all night, and neither do you, I’ve seen you after midnight.

  (Exit VICK.)

  JUDY. You come back here. Vick!

  VICK (from offstage). Why I can almost hear that sweet disco music.

  JUDY (exiting, looking back at the man). Wait a minute. Wait for me, please wait.

  SCENE 2:

  Sounds rise: traffic noises, voices, a ship’s horn, faint.

  The lights lower till there is just one patch of light where the MUSCLE MAN is standing.

  The scene changes.

  A stagehand drags off the garbage cans.

  Another clears away any other representation of the apartment building.

  The SAXOPHONE PLAYER blows a few bars, drinks bourbon from a flask, blows a little more.

  The POLICE WOMAN wanders through, exits.

  The SAXOPHONE PLAYER descends, circles the MUSCLE MAN, playing; exit SAXOPHONE PLAYER.

  Traffic noise fades; a pulsing beat begins.

  The MUSCLE MAN takes off his clothes, slowly stripping to a pair of posing trunks.

  He simply stands still with his clothes onstage around him.

  As music grows slowly louder and the lights change, he paints himself with streaks of red paint, like blood, as if he were creating wounds.

  The blood can come from anywhere, and its source need not be hidden.

  Enter KATY JUME, in a tight cocktail dress.

  KATY. So I told him to get his goddamn hands off me. Told him he looked worse than shit in a pot. Touch my titties one more time and I will cut his hands off. Make me sick. I don’t even want to know who he is or what his name is. Shit-ass motherfucker keep your hands off my drink too. Drag your scrawny ass out of here. Leave me money for a drink and get out. Yes sir, I said leave me money for a drink or I’ll pull every hair out of your head. I said every one and watch me do it. I don’t care who hears me. Don’t talk that bullshit to me, I’ll snatch the false teeth out of your mouth. Yellow-tooth motherfucker. I wish I could embarrass you to death.

  (Sees the MUSCLE MAN sitting on the grass of the neutral ground.)

  What are you looking at?

  (The MUSCLE MAN goes on watching her without moving or speaking.)

  Get up off the ground staring at me. Answer me when I talk to you. I don’t care how good you look, you don’t sit on the ground staring at me. I’ll beat your head in. I’ll be responsible for your death, do you hear me? Get up from there. Get up I said.

  (The MUSCLE MAN slowly stands.)

  You got blood all over you.

  (Enter JUDY and VICK.

  VICK is holding his wig in his hand.)

  VICK. I’d never believe we’d be on our way home at this time of night.

  JUDY. Would you shut the fuck up?

  VICK. I don’t want to rub salt in the wound, darling, but you have just made a complete and total fool of yourself in world-record time.

  JUDY. If you say one more word I will kill you.

  VICK. Never has one queen so completely humiliated herself in public. I doubt Pinky will ever let you back in the door.

  JUDY. If I had a gun I’d blow your brains out right here on the street. Not that it would make that much of a mess. What happened tonight is not that big a deal.

  VICK. View the wreckage dear. You ran your poor boyfriend right off the planet. You made a shambles of my dress. I smell like dog piss. God only knows what has been on that floor besides me.

  (They stop near KATY and the MUSCLE MAN.)

  JUDY. Honey, has he been yours for long or are you just now sinking your teeth in?

  KATY. You better back away from me, Judy.

  JUDY. I beg your pardon, I didn’t mean to intrude. We saw this young gentleman earlier, didn’t we Vick?

  VICK (to the MUSCLE MAN). It looks like you’ve been in a fight.

  KATY. I found him sitting on the ground. He won’t say nothing. He’s got blood all over him.

  VICK. You poor baby, what happened? (Pause; no response.) Did somebody get after you? Did somebody do this to you? (Pause; no response.) There’s something wrong with him.

  JUDY. Not from where I’m standing.

  VICK. Shut up Judy. (To the MUSCLE MAN.) Are you all right? Do you need some help? (The MUSCLE MAN does not answer but makes eye contact with VICK for a beat.) I think maybe we ought to take him home. Do you want to come home with me?

  KATY. He don’t act like he knows what you’re saying.

  VICK. Do you want to come home with me? So I can clean you up? Don’t be scared, you poor thing. I don’t think he knows how to talk.

  JUDY. That’s fine with me, he’ll never need to say a word.

  VICK. Come on sweetheart, I won’t let this mean thing hurt you. (The MUSCLE MAN moves to VICK’s side.) You want to come up for a while, Katy?

  KATY. I might as well. I lost my keys again.

  VICK. Well you can sleep on the couch tonight and call the landlord tomorrow. Are those his clothes?

  KATY. I’ll get them.

  JUDY. This is wonderful. He looks just like a Ken doll. He can sleep with me tonight.

  VICK. Judy, this man is hurt. Leave him alone.

  JUDY. Who named you Florence Nightingale? You can’t tell me what to do.

  VICK. You heard me.

  JUDY. You are not going to keep this man all to yourself Vick darling.

  (JUDY tries to touch the MUSCLE MAN.

  VICK slaps his hand.)

  VICK. You listen to me. I am dead serious. You behave.

  (JUDY withdraws, angry.)

  VICK (to MUSCLE MAN). Come on with me. That’s right, come this way. You coming, Katy?

  KATY. I’m right behind you. Lord, these are some nasty clothes.

  (Exit VICK, KATY, and the MUSCLE MAN.

  JUDY remains behind, furious.

  Lights dim as he removes his wig.

  The SAX
OPHONE PLAYER plays softly offstage.

  JUDY smears his makeup with his hands till it is grotesque.

  Sashays offstage behind the others.)

  SCENE 3:

  VICK’s apartment. Living room and kitchen.

  Enter MUSCLE MAN, into the living room, carrying his clothes in his hand.

  He sits on a low stool or chair under low light and is wearing the posing trunks as before.

  Enter JUDY and KATY, into the kitchen.

  JUDY is still wearing the dress.

  They should enter a few moments after the MUSCLE MAN sits.

  At the end of VICK’s speech, lights rise in the kitchen and KATY is heard.

  KATY. So I told him I would cut him if he ever showed his face around that restaurant again. I wouldn’t even use a meat knife on him, just an old potato knife, and I’d carve him up so good I might as well cook him, there wouldn’t be any use to do nothing else with him. Motherfucker turn so white, Lord you should have seen it child. His little old cock just wither right away. I told him he rather not ever lay his hands on me, nor show me anything so puny. You know I told him.

  JUDY. Try this.

  KATY. That’s got too much bourbon for him.

  JUDY. You think so?

  KATY. Yeah, he been beat up, you don’t want to knock him out. Give that to me and make him another one.

  (Enter VICK, with a basin of water, towels, and materials for bandages for cleaning the MUSCLE MAN.

  He makes as many trips as necessary to prepare for his first-aid ministrations.

  He has washed his face quickly and is wearing either the dress or a dressing gown, somehow maternal.

  A wig is lying in the living room in a conspicuous place.

  He bathes the MUSCLE MAN, cleans the wounds, and applies bandages.)

  JUDY. Well how much should I put in?

  KATY. Hold it up and jiggle it a little. Just a little. Yeah, that’s right. Now pour something else on it, and you got a drink.

  JUDY. Let me see what I can find to mix with it. (Opens cabinet.) Look at this mess. We don’t ever have nothing fit to eat. Oh, here’s some tomato paste!

  KATY. You don’t want none of that.

  JUDY. It would be gummy, wouldn’t it. And I guess we don’t want any canned baby lima beans and we don’t want any cornbread mix, puffy and fluffy and all, and we don’t want any presweetened fruitade and we don’t want any instant ice tea or powdered nonfat instant dry milk. (Moves to refrigerator.) No sprouts, God I hate sprouts, no tofu, Jell-O or white Minute rice, no we don’t want to mix our bourbon with any of that stuff. Did you see this cake? I made it myself.

  VICK (as he cleans the wounds). Hold still now, I’ll be real gentle but it might sting a little. That’s right, hold still, that’s real good. Nobody’s going to hurt you. Vick’s going to take good care of you, bandage you up real nice and get you something to eat and put you to bed, and then tomorrow we’ll find out who you are and where you live and get you home all safe and sound.

  (Enter KATY, into the living room, with drinks for VICK and the MUSCLE MAN.

  JUDY stays in the kitchen long enough to freshen his drink aggressively.

  KATY gives a drink to the MUSCLE MAN, who simply holds it as if he doesn’t know what it is.)

  KATY. Judy is about gone tonight.

  VICK. Tell me some news sweetheart. Did she tell you what happened in the bar tonight? Down in Pink Lilly’s Valley? Judy pulled a knife on a married man, with a wife and everything. I didn’t even know Judy carried a knife, and me walking the streets with her as pretty as you please.

  KATY. I been knowing she carried a knife.

  VICK. I tell you what’s the truth, I don’t know what I’m going to do. She acts crazier every day.

  KATY. Her mama act exactly like her.

  VICK. Don’t even mention that woman to me. Do you know she’s back in town and has not even bothered to call? She disappears for months without telling anybody where she is and then comes back without a word. I saw her dancing the other day at that place on Bourbon Street. I haven’t even told Judy yet.

  KATY. She tell me she don’t want no queer boy for no son, walking around the French Quarters in a wig and a dress.

  VICK. She’s just jealous because he’s got a better figure than she does.

  KATY. She have got fat. I don’t know why people pay her to take off her clothes. (Pause.) Judy would have been better off staying with his gramama than coming down here anyway. This city ain’t no good for nobody.

  (Silence.)

  VICK. I’m beginning to think he’s selling drugs out of that bedroom.

  KATY. You got to be kidding.

  VICK. He’s getting money from somewhere. (Pause.) I don’t think he cares what he does anymore. Let me tell you. In the bar tonight you never saw such a flame. This girl was on. You could not keep her off the tabletops and you could not keep her skirt down over her knees. She was gone on something, no telling what.

  KATY. Probably two or three things, knowing Judy.

  VICK. Well then this man comes up and she is just all over him, I mean she’s got her hands all down in his pockets. This nice-looking man. Then Judy grabs at something and holds it up, and Lord, do you know she had pulled that man’s wedding ring out of his pocket and she was whooping and waving it around and hooting all over the bar. With that poor man just standing there.

  KATY. You sure it won’t a cock ring.

  VICK. Lord I hope not, it was mighty little. Anyway, I felt sorry for that man. Then he got mad and went after Judy, tried to tear off her dress. Judy pulled a knife on him and like to cut his throat. I had to grab the knife from her. Then the man knocked me down in the beer and ruined one of my good gowns. I don’t know if that man ever got his ring back. Judy and me were thrown out of the bar, and we’re lucky they didn’t call the cops. Girl was gone with a blade in her hand. (Pause; looks at the drinks KATY is holding.) Did you bring that drink for me or is it an extra for you?

  KATY. Oh no, it’s yours. I was just admiring your buddy here. He sure does look good when he clean.

  VICK. Yes he does.

  KATY. Look on that poor baby’s back. You got cut real bad, sweet man?

  VICK. The cuts aren’t all that deep. When they’re not bleeding you can hardly see them at all. It’s like he fell on glass or something. He’s got some bruises too.

  KATY. That’s going to swell up ugly.

  VICK. Yes it is. Who would do something like this to such a pretty baby?

  KATY. Lots of folks. I got a boyfriend would do it just so he could laugh about it when he finish. He ain’t my main boyfriend but he good.

  VICK. I ought to take him to Charity but I don’t feel like messing with that emergency room tonight.

  KATY. Maybe it was a pack of them little boys that dance in the street when them blue-hair ladies throw money. Pack of them mean suckers, them little devils, carrying knives and everything else.

  VICK. He don’t look like he was cut with a knife.

  KATY. You think that’s clean enough?

  VICK. I need to wash it with peroxide, but I wonder if he’ll hold still.

  KATY. He looks right calm to me.

  VICK. You think you can be still while I wash your back with some stuff that smells funny?

  (The MUSCLE MAN simply watches VICK.)

  VICK. I want you to keep still, do you think you can?

  (The MUSCLE MAN looks straight ahead.)

  VICK. That’s a good man. That’s just what I want.

  KATY. I think he must like you.

  VICK. Wouldn’t that be nice.

  KATY. He do look good. He look like this man I knew in Chicago, only this man had great big hands with real big bones.

  VICK. This man’s hands aren’t so small.

  KATY. They ain’t big like my man’s hands was, when I was in Chicago. Big old knobby fingers. I love them old fingers, old nasty thing.

  VICK. Honey you can make anything sound nasty, you ought to be ashamed o
f yourself.

  KATY. I sure don’t know why I would bother.

  (VICK is dressing the MUSCLE MAN in a pair of loose pants.)

  VICK. Let me help you. Don’t listen to this nasty lady who talks so mean, she really ain’t mean at all, I been knowing her for a long time.

  KATY. Don’t you believe it either sweet legs, I cut you as quick as I look at you.

  VICK. Why do you want to talk like that to my big baby doll, you know you never cut nobody in your life.

  KATY (to the MUSCLE MAN). I will cut you, or your mama or your baby sister, or your wife in front of your eyes, or your boyfriend if you got a boyfriend, or your motherfucking newborn child. (To VICK.) Look at him! He trip me out.

  VICK. He doesn’t understand a word you’re saying.

  KATY. He like a great big doll baby. Stand up doll baby. Stand up.

  VICK. Stand up, she won’t hurt you.

  (The MUSCLE MAN stands.)

  KATY. How come you stand up when this hag tell you to?

  VICK. I am not a hag.

  KATY. Hey big boy, why don’t you like me? I’m a real girl. This here thing, she ain’t even got tits. I got tits. Why don’t you come over here to me. (Pause; no response.) He don’t want to come nowhere near me. He a queer is what it is. He a faggot just like you. He don’t like to smell no real woman.

  VICK. I don’t think he’s gay.

  KATY. Hey girl, just look at him. He got them sweet eyes, he look at you all gooney, just like a faggot. He got big faggot muscles and gooney faggot eyes and he stand on one hip just like a faggot, and he look in the mirror at his body just like a faggot. Excuse me, I don’t mean to make you mad when I use that word.

  VICK. It takes a lot more than that to bother me baby, or else I’d be right out of business. But like I said, I been spotting faggots for years and I don’t think this man is one.

  KATY. Wouldn’t it be nice if he was.

  VICK. What do you care what he is?

  KATY. I like to see you with somebody nice. Not like this trash you got living with you now. This man here might be real good for you.

  VICK. Don’t get me started daydreaming Katy.

  KATY. But that might be what he came here for. It might be the angels sent this man for you.

  VICK. Stop making fun of me.

  KATY. I’m not playing, I’m serious. Ever since I been knowing you I wanted you to get you some big strong man who treat you right. This man here look like he might be real good.